Welcome to a page dedicated to humor. Remember, he who laughs, lasts......
7
reasons not to mess with a child
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A
Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were
drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.
The
girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
A
Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six
year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and
thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She
looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs
white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of
my hairs turns white."
The
little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say,
'There's
Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
She's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make
the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes,"
the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A
little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
watching."
Moving
further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want God
is watching the apples.
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New definitions-
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed
upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3 Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist
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Frog Science
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There
once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the
scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to
jump. The frog jumped four feet. So the
scientist wrote in his notebook, "frog with four
feet, jumps four feet."
So
the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The
scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet.
So the scientist wrote in his note book, "frog with
three feet, jumps three feet."
So
the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to
jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote
in his notebook "frog with two feet, jumps two
feet."
The
scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to
jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in
his notebook, "frog with one foot, jumps one
foot."
So
the scientist cut off his last leg. "He said,
"Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So
the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with
no feet, goes deaf."
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IN
THE BEGINNING THERE WAS ‘THE PLAN’
AND
THEN CAME THE ASSUMPTIONS.
AND
THE PLAN WAS WITHOUT SUBSTANCE.
AND
THE ASSUMPTIONS WERE WITHOUT FORM.
AND
DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACES OF THE WORKERS.
AND
THEY SPOKE AMONG THEMSELVES SAYING
“IT
IS A CROCK OF S**T AND IT STINKS.”
AND
THE WORKERS WENT TO THEIR SUPERVISOR AND SAID,
“IT
IS A PAIL OF DUNG AND NONE MAY ABIDE THE ODOUR THEREOF.”
AND
THE SUPERVISORS WENT TO THEIR MANAGERS SAYING
“IT
IS A CONTAINER OF EXCREMENT AND IT IS VERY STRONG. NONE MAY ABIDE BY IT.”
AND
THE MANAGERS WENT TO THEIR DIRECTORS SAYING
“IT
IS A VESSEL OF FERTILISER AND NONE MAY ABIDE ITS STRENGTH.”
AND
THE DIRECTORS SPOKE AMONG THEMSELVES SAYING TO ONE ANOTHER “IT CONTAINS
THAT WHICH AIDS PLANT GROWTH AND IT IS VERY STRONG”
AND
THE DIRECTORS WENT TO THE VICE PRESIDENTS SAYING UNTO THEM “IT PROMOTES
GROWTH AND IS VERY POWERFUL”
AND
THE VICE PRESIDENTS WENT TO THE PRESIDENT SAYING UNTO HIM
“THIS
NEW ‘PLAN’ WILL ACTIVELY PROMOTE THE GROWTH AND VIGOUR OF THE COMPANY
WITH POWERFUL EFFECTS.”
AND
THE PRESIDENT LOOKED UPON THE ‘PLAN’
AND
SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD.’
AND
THE PLAN BECAME POLICY.
AND
THAT IS HOW S**T HAPPENS.
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese guy are hired at a
construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the
Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says,
"You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're
in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a
little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile." So
the foreman went away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand
is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he awasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldaf
inda him nowhere." Then the foreman t urns to the Scotsman and says, “And
you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies,
"Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a shoovel. Ye left th'
Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look
for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile
of sand and yells.... "SUPPLIES"!!
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Miss. Potato had
eyes for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet
potato, whom they called "Yam".
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her
about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting
half-baked so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name
for herself like "Hot Potato" and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her! However, on the other hand she wasn't going to
stay home and become a Couch potato either.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Melbourne P.U. (Potato University) so
that when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of
all they did for her, Yam came home one day and announced she was going
to marry Eddie McGuire.
Eddie McGuire !!!!!!!! ??????
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Eddie McGuire, because he is
just a..... common Tater
(commentator)
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that her name is
Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd
like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick
Jagger, and that it's okay,he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with
some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces
a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink
and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains
that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog
called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as
collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog
a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
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